It's been a good long time since I wrote anything worthy of baring the title controversial and while it isn't my intention to stem controversy, its the fact that the Gay is still a taboo word in many households.
I've said it before but I suppose this is a good time as any to repeat it: I don't care who you fuck or what gets you off, It's not my business. They only time I will step forward is when your fucking children, animals or the unwilling. Not only will I step forward, I'll smash the fuckers skull open with a pillowcase filled with soda cans.
Understandable and justified threats of violence set aside; the fact is, If your a straight male and do not have at least one gay friend in your bullpen of cell phone contact list your missing out on not only a fantastic opportunity but the genuine comedic gold that only happens with gay friends (“I'm not gay, I'm Bi-laaaarrrrious!”). What other social group can pull off the double handed wave? The Nazis? Nope. The Soviets? Nope. The Kamikaze? Perhaps, but only if they doing the double handed wave before they hit the target screaming 'surprise!!!'
So aside from the side splitting hilarity (which anyone who has an open acceptance of gays and spent time with them can attest to) I will be sharing my top 5 reasons for straight guys to have Gay friends. So if your a straight 20 something male, pay attention since I share your lens being a straight 20 something dude myself. I'm not just pulling this out of my ass, this is one of my many theorys and Theorey crafting is what I do.
#5 Gays bring up property values!
To really appreciate this reason you have to either own property or understand the basic practices of real estate but to understand it you require much less. Stereotype or not, one thing the Gays excel at is home design and to top it off they have cleanliness levels that rival O.C.D. Women and middle age Texan yard enthusiast can only dream about ascending to. It is a proven scientific fact that it is absolute impossible to depreciate the value of property or just any object at all. The gays are the keepers and grand masters of the art of “bedazzaling”; and to bedazzale something is nothing more to make it worth more then it looks. Got a lame button up? Pass it off your gay friend and ask for the lite metro bedazzle job and you got your self a pimpin party shirt. Want your house to be worth 25,000 more with little work on your part? Advertise as a gay friendly neighborhood!
#4 The Gay Eye
A force so powerful it was the premise of a short lived American Television Phenomena, the Gay Eye. Just like the Gay community stealing the double hand wave and refracted light; a keen eye for aesthetics has been claimed with a rainbow flag and rightfully so. When you combine a woman's passion for fashion with the natural attention to extreme detail men posses the outcome is high quality color scheming and an overall factor of knowing whats really “Easy on the eyes.”
#3 A wink for a drink.
Men all over the civilized word has fell prey to the natural born ability women posses to get free drinks at a bar. Let's be honest here, the thought process of your average 20 something male is very simple when it comes to reading a woman's body language; shes paying attention to me, I'f I feed her liquor she will forget how big of a douche I am. If I play my cards right I can get some action! At the very least a handy in the handicap stall!” Well if you get yourself a gay friend you can extract some form of revenge but doing it to your gay friend. Like women, gay people feed off attention and a few choice words, a proper wink and a ol' fashion good game ass smack football players receive via coach could land you a night of paid drinks.
Note: You are dealing with men so beware the roofie-calaudas
#2 A Gay BFF for your girlfriend.
Diamonds may be a girls best friend but a Guy man is a girls best friend forever. Lets face it, guys are jealous by nature and since women are in a secret war with all other women the choices of people who fit in the comfort zone are limited. So when you find a guy who answers “a vagina” to the question “wheres the strangest place you had sex” you need to involve him in your relationship. Guys don't have to worry about the guy hanging out with their girlfriend when that guy can recite any given moment from Mama Mia at the drop of the pin. Women can feed that hunger of having a conversation with a man where both parties are on the same level. The fact is Gay men are relationship gold and with a little practice and a touch of finesse the outcome of a “to death due us part” relationship is within grasp.
#1 There is no better wing-man then a Gay man.
If your a single guy and you don't have a Gay man in your arsenal of tools for dating you are seriously behind the pack. Women trust and listen to gay men (don't believe me? cough sexinthecity cough) they trust gay men more then they trust other women. So when a Gay guy tells a girl that your a stand up individual and a respectable citizen, you have cut the hours of work it takes just to convince them that you don't own a rape dungeon. It's almost impossible to fail with a Gay wing-man and if for some fucking strange reason you do fuck it up after the Gay man props, perhaps you should join your new found gay friend at the new bar in town called “The Fruit Stand.”
So I suppose this is the part of the article where I come to an overall wrap up and say “you should just be friends with gay guys anyway.” But I'm not. If you got issues with gay people, that's your business of being a bigot and I'm not here to argue that argument. And the truth of the world is, gay or straight, some people are just assholes and should be shunned by society. If you don't like someone because as a person, don't be their friend. But for those individuals with an open mind, raise your property values, get a free jack coke and make your girlfriend less insane by bringing a Gay Friend into your life.
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Ern Acosta
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