The Best Conversation to Have Out Loud in Public AWARD!

THE AWARD GOES TO:....

Michael Minto and Daniel Robbins!

For having a conversation out loud in public about "How cool would it be if you ejaculated all of the volume in one continuous spurt"! With Highlight quotes such as, "It'd be all like 'sppshhhhhhhhhhh' and 'that'd be crazy', or 'I wonder if it would hurt, but it'd probably just feel really good'.

Congrats boys, enjoy your award, you've earned!

MR. Captain America!

Who wouldn't love the title "Captain America: World Police"!? Wait, that's not the title? Oh well still, who wouldn't love that title. Anyway, I had my fair share of stochastic thoughts during this movie. Which makes it 'Pie', a word I'm currently hoping to supplant 'good' with (I feel like America will pick this synonym up in no time, we'll see). But lets get real.

While it may stand out historically as one of the more impact-full comic stories for our country, it seems a little out of place, and well… let’s face it… inaccessible. Several countries even changed our oh so very patriotic title to make it more palatable for our freedom-fry-hating counterparts. Apparently, we were good enough to fight in their trenches but they don’t want to risk emblazoning their own peoples with a fierce lust for burgers and winchester rifles! Aside from The movie’s propaganda-ish title, it was likely the best 3D film I’ve seen yet (or at least tied with Avatar). 

Visually speaking, it did a marvelous job (get it? Marvelous!) of reproducing the feel of a 1940’s earth, whilst adding those delicious technological design touches reminiscent of Joe Johnston’s Rocketeer, which I loved… mucho. Commensurate to that, the costuming was immaculate, dynamic, and simple-ish. The settings were clear and easy to soak in details of. And the special effects were tangibly real for the most part. Best of all, its the first 3D film that didn’t leave me kinda pissed that I didn’t see it in 2D.

Now… the Plot, thing. The movie somewhat dropped the whole importance of THIS story in particular. It all seemed to be a perfunctory exposition of a character that they wanted to use in the avengers. Like the weird cousin who has a kid just so you two can be in the PTA together. This forced feeling popped up periodically in the film. Most notably of which was the montages sparsely placed throughout the movie in lieu of actually developing the character and advancing him past significant obstacles and learning his abilities. It seemed as though, they lost 15-20 pages of script and then substituted it with finite samples of him jumping off of a tank, punching a guy, kicking a guy, and yes, even “shielding” a guy in the face (not like protecting him, but you know).

Not that I didn’t enjoy seeing his shield fly into my face in 3D (which kind of made me fear my own hero), but it could’ve used much more ‘telling’, even if just with better montages. His team of international banditos had so little time on screen before becoming an ‘integral part’ of the story that they forgot to make us give a damn. 

But all that aside, I think Chris Evans did a fantastic job portraying the minimalists black and white virtues of the hero, and as usual… he’s ‘cut as all get out’… not that I care… but Damn. Tommy Lee Jones always added great layers of grit and deadpan as expected. Hugo Weaving could have used a little more German and a little less elvish in his accent, but I think he may have been just going for East Austrian. Either way, I suppose I bought it pretty hard, because Hugo is a badass and nailed the role in most ways possible (Hail Hydra!). And who could forget Hayley Atwell, the beautifully dynamic love interest to Mr. America (Is that how you would say it? Or is it Mr. Captain America? Oh well.)? She was phenomenal, it was extremely easy to get drawn in, and her scripted character was actually lovable AND strong, go figure. 

I don’t want to overshadow the amazing performances of the rest of the cast. The always engrossing Stanley Tucci, Sebastian Stan, Toby Jones, and Neal McDonough (and others) all did their fair share of making this movie thoroughly FUN. I was bouncing in my seat out of excitement. It definitely was more honest and moralistically inclined than say “Iron Man” but it still had that good-ol’-fashioned super hero feel to it. Get out there and support our imaginary reincarnations of WWII Troops!! (See Captain America).

Youtopia

I can dream. I can dream real hard. Quite firmly in fact.
I can dream of a place with sex and logic.
I fantasize of a land without fear or admonishment.
a land with words like justness, nature, love... you know, cool things like that
a place without splintering falsities, misled youth, or fox news
a beautiful state of existence that comes with knowledge, peace, and passion

Of course there will be bitter sadness, coy denial, or shaky trepidation or social stratification
Tears are to be expected, if not for appreciation of the purity around us, then for the rattlesnake bites and broken hearts.
And when we are fed the filtered light from our melancholic liquid lenses,
we will see we are no worse for our boding,
at least, no worse than the otherwise forbearing panic, you know the kind that comes when you imagine items of human conjuring such as eternity

But for now, I live in the reality, while dreaming the dream. I must tinker with ideas such as "am I consuming enough alcohol to remain socially coherent?" I must be bothered by the sweaty leg resting on mine, before I gently kick it off. I must recite idle motivational phrases in the mirror just to eat a meal. I have to get up.

I have to exude and subsequently reabsorb my malevolency towards my own circadian rhythms. I have to sculpt, endorse, and reinforce my modified environment to be conducive to my expectations. I have to forcibly ignite a combustive galvanization of my posterior talents. I have to light a fire up under my own ass. I have to write down shopping lists.

All the while, I must enjoy myself thoroughly with a deep appreciation for the qualities of the present. If I don't, then I'm just vicariously cheating the dreams of a peasant, who sleeps on splintered wood for a chance to farm pheasants, but dreams of much more, while it waits at my door. It doesn't bother me that much. I guess I've got a lot in my cup, which kinda sorta maybe ought to rub off some guts, but every time I go to sleep and get myself to shut up, I see a vision of a question beyond my eyes that lights up.

I can dream, but can I wake up?

2011!

I say we start digging until the core warms us and then we should build thermal energy plants deep within the crust. Then... stock it up, and build residential districts into the deep. Then lottery out access to world leaders in various fields and begin assembling shallower underground shelters en mass. Its almost 2011, and when its 2011 it'll be almsot 2012! Its upon us. Imagine Y2K... but on PX90. 

I noticed something earlier tonight (3:29am on xmas eve 2010). 2011. 11... - 2... = 9. Last year?... 2009.

2012. Add em up... = 5. ..... 9 x 2 = 18. 18 - 5 = 13 = 2 + 0 + 11.... 2011!!

See! Its right there! plus! think about it, if YOU were 2012, would just go ahead and come right then in 2012... or would you know that thats what they'll expect? and instead come in.... 2011. 

You don't have to believe me... but you have to believe yourself.... which is hard to do if you ignore the evidence. Catch ya in the bunkers nonbeliever!!

"That's just like, your opinion, man"

One of this blog's contributors lists his favorite music of 2010. Sure, why not.

Favorite Albums of 2010:

1. Kanye West, "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"
2. The National, "High Violet"
3. Joanna Newsom, "Have One On me"
4. LCD Soundsystem, "This Is Happening"
5. Caribou, "Swim"
6. The-Dream, "Love King"
7. Local Natives, "Gorilla Manor"
8. Delorean, "Subiza"
9.Big Boi, "Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty"
10. Gayngs, "Relayted"
11. Warpaint, "The Fool"
12. El Guincho, "Pop Negro"
13. Sufjan Stevens, "Age of Adz"
14. Vampire Weekend, "Contra"
15. Arcade Fire, "Suburbs"
16. Tallest Man on Earth, "The Wild Hunt"
17. Hot Chip, "One Life Stand"
18. Cee-Lo Green, "The Lady Killer""
19. Magic Bullets, self-titled
20. First Aid Kit, "Big Black and Blue"


Favorite Songs of 2010:

1. "Fuck You" - Cee-Lo Green
2. "Does Not Suffice" - Joanna Newsom
3. "Shutterbug" - Big Boi
4. "All I Want" - LCD Soundsystem
5. "Power" - Kanye West
6. "Cousins" - Vampire Weekend
7. "Tightrope" - Janelle Monae ft. Big Boi
8. "National Anthem (Fuck the World)" - Freddie Gibbs
9. "Real Love" - Delorean
10. "Odessa" - Caribou
11. "Gaudy Side of Town" - Gayngs
12. "Sex Intelligent" - The-Dream
13. "Bombay" - El Guincho
14. "Love Junkie" - Wallpaper, Don Will, The Park
15. "Bloodbuzz Ohio" - The National
16. "We Used to Wait" - Arcade Fire
17. "Younger Us" - Japandroids
18. "Laying Around" - Magic Bullets
19. "Heaven Can Wait" - Charlotte Gainsbourg ft. Beck
20. "You Fancy" - Drake, TI, Swizz Beats

OBJECTIVE TRUTHS

"Opinions" are boring. You state one, then someone disagrees, then you respond "well that's fair. Let's agree to have different opinions." Eff that noise. Live life boldly, believe in facts. Following is a very brief list of objective facts:

1. chipotle is bad at making burritos and Maroon 5 is bad at making music.

2. Hot sauce makes everything better

3. Vegans, Libertarians, and people who hate television have unfortunate and misguided world-views

4. Rap is good

5. Not everything happens for a reason

6. Never use "temporal" and "conflate" in the same sentence, it makes you sound like an asshole.

Ancient Sexting?

I was doing some standup for the first time and a good friend of mine, Dan Simmons, brought up the rather interesting topic of "dick pics" on cell phones. I was instantly thrust into a flurry of pontification on the sociological originations of such an exhibitionist act. I was launched into images of the first sexually weighted emails, the kind vaguely alluded to in 1998's "You've Got Mail", in which that slut Meg Ryan plays says things like, "I'm wearing a smile right now, everything else is either skin or negligible... plus I want your cock (not in movie)". Its easy to see that by the late 1990's this erotic tone was already welcomed into the forefront of the social-tech scene. But where does this stem from? Why was it so easy for us to adopt this new medium of non-verbal non-visual sexual stimulation?

As though the wonderful nuance of texting hasn't gotten complex enough with all the T9-ing and self-correcting dictionaries that somehow think I mean "Eat Shut" or that I misspelled "Motherfucker", which is definitely not hyphenated. In all the current textual mutterings its easy to get lost in the present and the ever-expanding 'voc' of annotated verbs and syntactical contractions of "vertxns" as I call them. But to have any idea where we're going in the sexual textual consext- er I'm sorry, context, we need to know where we came from.

Who was the first cell phone user to bear the societal epiphany "What if I just TEXT her that I'm horny right now?" or "What if I TEXT him that I'm wet for him even though I'm really watching cooking channel and thinking about puppies?" Whoever the first technologically enabled coward was, its easy to imagine that their opting out of the usual avenues likely hinged on the low-investment high-potential-yield nature of such a hands-free interaction. But aside from risk/ yield ratio appeal, perhaps the act of throwing a quick sext is just a modernized new york minute style manifestation of an ancient tradition of love letters.

Surely, as soon as man could write he was writing about women, and as soon as women could write, people were shocked (Don't worry!! I'm kidding!!... women can't write). Throughout out the ages pornographic writing has evolved and contorted befitting each new medium as it came about. From the Kama Sutra to Shakespeare, from "Arabian Nights" to  "The Diary of Anne Frank" erotic literature became ubiquitous rather quickly once we stopped carving in stone and eating each other, or whatever was going on before 1776. So if thats all sexting is, then what about the rest?

On the subject of visual erotica we shall narrow our discussion to visuals as related to textual interactions. You can't compare Photographers to Writers, so instead we'll compare journalists to photojournalists. So... from whence did 'dick pics' arise? Forget the trashy romance novellas that had integrated shoddy lithographs from amateur pervs that devoted their time to mastering their illustrations of the rolls of flab on a 17th century woman's rib cage. Lets just look at those who had the gusto and entrepreneurial insight to write a personalized erotic message while integrating visual lures.

I imagine there were no ancient peruvians sprinting across the mountains to deliver and erotic array of knots coupled with a strangely shaped squash. And likewise, the other hemisphere of the earth likely contained few 'hardcore haikus', or "harkus" as they must now be referred to save time during which I would otherwise be aroused. So lets think to a time when writing and common man's art work were at their synergistic pinnacle.

Though this has occurred a couple of times throughout history we have to assume that the Romans, at their peak, were too busy screwing to have time to write or talk about it. Also it seems unlikely that even during all of the progressive revolutions of the renaissance, that Pope Pius II would have done anything less than rape and murder someone for drawing and writing erotic works. So lets look to a time and demographic in which man was more and more liberated from religion and more skilled with writing and drawing simultaneously. There it is, no wait,  too far, back a little bit, THERE! Early 19th century naturalists!

We found it! Just picture a young George Wallace or Darwin, writing a heart/ crotch felt letter to his loved one/ cousin. "Darling, today I noticed six new species of butterfly, and I was reminded of you and your warm buttocks. I thought I saw a leaf that resembled how it feels to crush you under my masculine bearded weight. I long to be long for you this spring and I hope this etter arrives before then. And as promised my sweet , to tide you over until June, I give you an anatomically correct pencil rendition of my penis, witha cross-sectional diagram of my glans penis. I hope you enjoy it my sweet and remember don't send this to TMZ".

Wherever and whenever this odd habit picked up into the mainstream its likely to stay integrated until we have a three dimensional way of sending images of us thrusting, or some way of transmitting the musk of our scrota and freshly washed hair smell through a smell-transceiver (smeliever). Until then, this is Mike Minto saying "Smell ya later, forever".